Don't Let Me Get Me
by Periadoc
Summary: Pippin is contemplating the last few days and decides to do something drastic. Can Merry save Pippin from himself? Thanks to all who reviewed, you guys are my new best friends!
1. Misty memories

Peregrin Took stood on the ledge of his room in Lothlorien. He looked down at all the elves going by living their daily lives, he wondered for a moment why he was not scared of the tremendous height. He shook himself and recalled the last few days. The Fellowship was in Moria, and Gandalf the Grey had fallen there….it was his fault, his fault he died. If he hadn't been so foolish the wizard would still be alive and well. He sighed and couldn't get the look on Gandalf's face when he heard the loud clanging of the orc skeleton as it fell to the bottom of the well. It was horrible and frightening, the worst part though was looking the rest of the Fellowship in the eye. He heard the drums and knew he caused them. "Pippin?" a gentle voice shook him from his memories. He turned around and discovered the voice belonged to Meriadoc Brandybuck, his cousin and friend. "You're kinda close to the edge, you don't wanna fall all that way, and you're not as nimble on your feet as these elves are." He stepped forward and pulled him back. "Are you ok?" Merry asked examining his cousin's face with a look of concern. Pippin's face was sullen and sober. Merry had never seen his cousin look so serious, it was unnatural. Pippin was always so cheerful so happy. Pippin looked into his cousin's eyes and saw pity in them. He sighed and blinked away some tears. "No, I'm ok, a little taken back at the height that's all," he tried to smile. Merry grinned, "Come let's get something to eat." Pippin shrugged and allowed himself to be steered into his room where a tray laden with food was there. He ate a few bites then sighed and thought some more, another nagging thought came up. "Fool of a Took!" Gandalf scolded little Pippin. "You've brought shame on the Tooks!" his father's voice cried. "Stupid Pippin, you ruined our outing" his sister whined. "Pippin, you worthless hobbit!" Farmer Maggot screamed. "Pippin! Can't you do anything right?" asked Merry  
  
"Pippin? Pippin!" he was shaken violently out of his memories again. "You don't look so good." Merry said, Pippin looked into his eyes and recalled the last voice he heard, Merry scolding him, it made him burn with sadness as he realized that he really was a worthless hobbit who caused trouble. "Stomachache" Pippin grumbled to Merry. He didn't want him to see him cry, that would make matters worse. "I'm gonna get some rest maybe I'll feel better in the morning" he told Merry. "Ok, but I'm gonna check on you" and he left. Pippin layed down on his bed and began to sob uncontrollably. "No one cares about me…they all hate me." He muttered. Suddenly something gleaming caught his eye. It was his small pocketknife, he reached over to his bedside table and picked it up studying the wooden handle and the sharp gleaming edge. He took it and dragged it over his wrist and winced a little at the pain. He looked at the blood running down his hand. This is the only way he thought. He was almost glad. Then as he was about to slit his other wrist Merry came in. "Pippin, I brought you some tea to help you feel better." His eyes trailed over the bed and saw Pippin with a bloody arm and knife. "PIPPIN!" Merry lunged at him and grabbed the dagger out of his hand. Pippin looked balefully up at him, not uttering a sound. "Pippin, why? Why would you do this?" Merry cried tears running down his face. He held the little hobbit who began to shudder in his arms. It's not too late, he can still be saved a sob escaped his lips and he looked into Pippin's eyes. Pippin looked at the clouded face of Merry. There was a gleam in his eye that Pippin noticed. He wasn't just crying cause of his friend. He saw something more than friendship in his eyes. Maybe…Maybe…Merry… Then blackness closed over him and he knew no more. 


	2. A Second Chance

Merry stood outside the door of Pippin's room. Galadriel was in there. Luckily Merry had not panicked, he had ran straight to her knowing that she could do something. Hopefully she would be able to save him…hopefully it was not too late. "Oh Pippin…why would you want to hurt yourself?" he murmured and began to cry. A few minutes later the door creaked open and the Lady of the Wood stepped out. Merry looked up and wiped his eyes, there was something about this elf that struck hope in his heart. "Is he…?" Merry began. Galadriel raised her hand to silence him. "Meriadoc, your friend has suffered a great deal…not only physically but emotionally…" she looked into the hobbit's eyes and smiled, "he's ok. Luckily he had only slit his left wrist, we were able to save him." Merry brightened considerably. "Can I see him?" Galadriel nodded. Be careful, little one, Pippin has suffered…. Merry could hear her voice in his head. He nodded and slipped into Pip's bedroom. He lay there quietly. His eyes were shut and he looked peaceful. Merry crept closer and looked at his bandaged wrist, a small sob escaped his lips. Pippin stirred and looked up at him. "Pippin…?" Merry asked quietly "are you awake?" Pippin nodded. "I'm so glad you're ok…I was so scared…Pippin…why?" Pippin sat there looking into Merry's eyes but not seeing them at all, why was he still here? "Pippin?" the quiet voice brought him back to reality. "Why did you try to hurt yourself?" he asked again. "I don't know…I guess that I…" suddenly a spasm passed over his face, "IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! LEAVE ME ALONE!" He screamed. "Pippin…" Merry's face was anxious. "LEAVE ME ALONE, ALL OF YOU, WHY CAN'T YOU LET ME BE!" Merry backed away to the door and whimpered. He was scared; Pippin had never raised his voice, what was wrong with him? He left the room.  
  
Little Peregrin collapsed on his bed. Stupid Merry, couldn't even let me die… His face was contorted with anger but slowly relaxed into a puzzled expression. Why does he care about me? Is it just friendship or something else? then it slowly changed to sorrow. Why can't I just die in my sleep? Little one…do not think such thoughts Pippin was startled and looked up, Galadriel was in his room. You hold too much grief and fear in your heart…you have to let go, let things be. Pippin's face changed back to anger. "Why should I let go? Maybe I don't want to! I don't want to let things be…" His face relaxed "when they could have been different…when Gandalf could be alive." Tears poured down his face. "Hush, even though you believe that if you hadn't accidently knocked that skeleton into the well, things would have been the same…everything happens for a reason, Peregrin, hopefully you will see that in time."  
  
The next few days Pippin rarely left his bed and rarely ate. The rest of the Fellowship were worried too, but none as much as Merry. Pippin emerged from his bed and looked up. His eyes were on the ceiling where a few rafters were. Pippin had a plan in his head. He had acquired a length of rope in the last few days and decided now was the time. He moved a chair under one of the rafters. Since his room was small he could just reach the ceiling. He threw the rope over the rafter and secured it, nice and tight. Then carefully with shaking hands Pippin tied the end in a noose. He carefully placed it around his neck. He like the feel of it…not rough but smooth and soft. It wouldn't chafe his neck. He took a deep breath and prepared to leap from the chair. The door opened and Legolas stepped in the room. Pippin cursed the elf in his head, it was like he knew what his plans were. "PIPPIN!" before he could even more, Legolas had him in his arms. He kicked and flailed but stopped and hung limply in the elf's arms. Tears were in his eyes. "Pippin, you are a danger to yourself."  
  
Legolas went to Galadriel. "He attempted to hang himself, oh Lady of the Wood." He said bowing. Pippin was still in his arms. She looked at the limp form of Peregrin. Then in elfish she told Legolas that Pippin was not allowed to be alone anymore, someone must be with him at all times and to inform the others, but to be careful when breaking the news to Merry. He nodded left Pippin alone with her.  
  
"Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, Sam, Frodo, I have unfortunate new to tell you of. Little Peregrin attempted to take his own life again…fortunately he was not successful" "He tried to kill himself…again? How?" Boromir asked. "He attempted to hang himself from one of the rafters in his room" Frodo wept silently and rested his head against Sam's shoulder, who in turn stroked his head. " I have to inform Merry, do you know where he is?" Legolas asked. "I last saw him eating under a tree, over in the meadow." Aragorn told him. Legolas thanked him and ran to find him.  
  
"Merry." Merry jumped at hearing his voice. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you but I have news of Pippin." Merry stared at the grim face and despair began to well up in his heart. "Pippin has attempted to take his own life again. He tried to hang himself from the rafters in his room." Merry swayed. He looked into the elf's eyes and uncontrollable sobs escaped his lips. Legolas embraced him and he too began to cry.  
  
  
  
A great big thank you to all those who reviewed! I'm so glad you liked it, I really hope that you like the second chapter too. 


	3. Too Late

Pippin lay in his bed sleeping peacefully. Boromir was at his side and was waiting for Galadriel to return. He had been there for a while watching over the hafling. He has always felt close to them and tried to protect them, and right now the youngest of them all needed help. Boromir, you need not keep watch any longer a voice in his head stirred him. "Galadriel…have you Meriadoc?" She nodded and Merry was ushered in. Boromir walked passed him and gave him a pat on the head. Then he left with Galadriel.  
  
Straightening his hair he sat down in the chair that Boromir had been sitting in. He sighed and looked at his young friend. He looks so peaceful, no one would know what thoughts plague his mind It was an hour before Pippin actually awoke. He rubbed his eyes and blinked a few times. "Merry?" he sat up and looked at him. "Yes, Pip." Pippin lowered his eyes to the ground, how could he look Merry in the eye? " Pippin, you're not to be left alone anymore, they say…well Galadriel says you're a danger to yourself." Anger flashed over Pippin's face again but he did not yell this time. He could scream all he wanted but Merry would never leave him. This somehow comforted him in a strange way. He face relaxed "Well if I can't be left alone, I'm glad you're with me." This cheered Merry up greatly; maybe Pippin wasn't feeling suicidal anymore. "Hey why don't we get some food?" Pippin looked up and his stomach growled. It had seemed forever since he had had his last meal. "Yeah, I'm starving." Merry smiled and helped him get out of bed. They walked down the large staircases and found the Elfish food pantry. "Aha, they knew they couldn't keep this a secret for long…" Merry whispered, he was afraid they would be caught. "Hmmm, apples, berries, biscuits, bread, butter," Merry said as he handed Pippin the food. "Check to see if they have any mushrooms!" Pippin squeaked. "Alright" Merry searched very thoroughly and just when he was about to give up "Aha! Here they are!" He passed down a small basket filled with mushrooms. Then they scampered back up to Pippin's room. "Yum!" Pippin said as he let the food fall from his arms to the bed. They both plopped down and began to have a feast. "These are the best mushrooms I have had in a long time Merry!" Pippin exclaimed with his mouth full. Merry just nodded, he mouth was too full to speak. Merry yawned an hour later when all the food had disappeared. "I'm so tired!" he managed to squeak before another yawn over took him. Pippin was already nodding off, it was pretty late. "Let's go to bed, goodnight Pip." Merry collapsed on the pillow and snuggled into the sheets. Pippin followed suit. Only after a few hours had gone Pippin woke up again. There were two elves outside the door, they were speaking softly to each other. "Yes, all the new arrows are going to be equipped with it." One elf said. "Really? But don't you think we would have sunk to the Orcs' level….I mean they did develop it." "Yes, but ours is much faster and doesn't cause as much pain…they are cruel and develop cruel weapons to inflict as much pain as possible, and anyways we are only using it for self-defense, unlike them." The elves' voices grew distant. Pippin stared up at the ceiling listening to Merry's gentle breathing. He knew what the elves spoke of…it was just a question of getting it.  
  
The next morning Aragorn came and roused the hobbits. "Come now, wake up…it's late." Merry nodded and Aragorn left them. "C'mon Pip, wake up…" he gave him a soft punch in the shoulder. He groaned and sat up. "What's for breakfast?" he asked scratching his head. "Bacon, sausages, and….tomatoes!" Merry said sniffing the air. "Always did have a nose for food." Pippin joked and they got dressed and went down to breakfast. The day passed by without any difficulties and it seemed that Pippin was back to normal. He was joking around and hanging out with Merry as if the few last days had never happened.  
  
Pippin and Merry were sitting on the beds telling each other stories they made up when Pippin got up and headed for the door. "Where are you going?" Merry jumped up and blocked the door. "A hobbit isn't allowed to go to the bathroom?" He asked a bit alarmed. "Oh, I didn't know this was the bathroom," Merry said opening the door and making sure that it was. "Alright if I go?" Pippin asked. Merry nodded. Pippin took care of his "business" and went to wash his hands when he noticed in the mirror Legolas's bag on the ground. Curious he opened it and looked through a bit. He picked up a small phial of amber liquid and knew that that was the thing the elves' last night were talking about, he carefully slipped it into his pocket and left Leoglas's bag in the exact location he had found it in.  
  
It was dusk and Merry was waiting for him on the bed. They had smuggled some more mushrooms and he was waiting impatiently to eat them. Pippin emerged from the bathroom. "Well I feel refreshed!" Merry giggled. "Are you as thirsty as I am?" Pippin asked. "Yeah, in fact I am." Merry said gulping a mushroom. Pippin saw the pitcher of wine and poured him and Merry as goblet full and quite sneakily he emptied the phial into one goblet. "Here ya go…" he passed Merry a goblet. "Thanks" he took a small sip. Pippin in turn drained the goblet. "Yum, good wine" he smiled. He grabbed a handful of mushrooms and ate them. A few minutes later however Pippin was feeling quite nauseous. "You ok Pip?" Merry asked, still eating mushrooms. "I don't think so…" He fell backwards onto his bed panting as though he had been running. "Pippin!" Merry jumped up. "Get to the bathroom, you look like you're gonna burst!" He tried to help him up but Pippin just groaned and fell back. "C'mon Pip!" Merry shouted. "Merry, I have to tell you something." Pippin gasped. Pippin slowly brought out the empty phial. Merry looked at him questionably "Pip, what…?" Pippin took a deep breath " It's poison Merry, the elves developed it, I found it in Legolas's bag, I…poured it in my wine." Merry swayed, Pippin seemed to be so much better, so cheerful, but no, he still harbored that agony. "No…" Merry sobbed, "No! you didn't do this! You couldn't have done this! You can't have…I love you Pippin, I've loved you for the longest time…" So that was it, that was what he had seen in Merry's eyes…love. And now that he had accomplished his feat, he wished he had never tried, but he knew in his heart it was too late. Now that he was leaving all he wanted to do was stay, but it was too late, too late. "Pippin, hang on, I'm going to get help." Merry said brokenly. "No…it's too late to get help…I wish I had never tried to kill myself! I love you too Merry!" He wailed. Merry sobbed and cradled him, this isn't happening, this isn't happening, Pippin's going to be all rightHe suddenly felt Pippin's breath leave him and his body go limp. "No…no…no" Merry whispered and clutched Pippin's body closer. 


	4. Coping

Merry clutched Pippin's scarf to his chest. He was numb with grief as he stared at the wooden urn that contained Peregrin's ashes. It was impossible to believe that Pippin would have wanted to be buried. Merry had already promised that he would take them back to the Shire. The atmosphere of that day was heavy with grief. Frodo had completely broken down and was sobbing uncontrollably into Sam's shoulder. Aragorn looked at the ground and occasionally wiped a tear away from his face. Boromir sat with his head in his hands shaking. Legolas just stood staring blankly ahead. The urn in was beautiful…carved elaborately with elfish runes. One stood out from the rest. It was placed on the exact middle and meant "friend." There was a wonderful ceremony for him and many wonderful things were said. Merry couldn't concentrate on anything; he was still in shock and disbelief. No more of Pippin's jokes, no more of Pippin's pranks, no more Pippin Merry thought over and over. He hadn't just lost a great friend; he had lost part of himself to that black abyss. The ceremony was over and he was the only one left. He couldn't move…he just sat there, staring at the urn. "Merry, come, it is late and you need your rest" Boromir told him touching his arm gently. He nodded and allowed himself to be steered out of the beautiful room away from the urn…away from Pippin. He collapsed on his own bed and sobbed.  
  
The next morning he was not much better. He was still very sober and didn't talk to anyone. He would occasionally nod to show he was listening but nothing else. He sighed deeply and often and his eyes were red. Over the next few days he did not improve. Most of the Fellowship was back to normal, or at least as normal as they could be now. Sam approached Merry one day…it had been two weeks since Pippin's death. "Merry, how are you?" He asked. Merry said nothing. "Merry, you have to gain control over yourself…you're wasting away…Pippin wouldn't want you to grief this much." He said quietly. "HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT PIPPIN WOULD HAVE WANTED!" Sam took a step back at this sudden outburst. "I'm…. I'm sorry…" "YOU SHOULD BE!" Merry shouted before sobbing into his hands. Sam didn't really know what to do so he just slowly and quietly backed away and left Merry to his own devices. He knew that sometimes when he himself was sad, he liked to be alone.  
  
After a while he sobs subsided. He wiped his eyes and saw Frodo approaching him. Frodo had taken the news almost as badly as Merry had. Almost. "Merry, I know how you feel, remember Pippin hasn't really gone…and he's probably a lot happier where he is now." He said with a small smile hoping to cheer him up. "No, he isn't happier, I never told anyone, but I was there when he…died…and he told me that he really didn't want to…die…he…he made a mistake." Frodo stared at him in silence, he didn't know about that; it must have been very hard for Merry to say that to him. "Oh…I didn't know that…Merry, I'm sorry." He said. "It's ok Frodo, it's not your fault." He smiled a feeble smile. Frodo smiled back and left. Merry sighed.  
  
The next few days Merry showed a little improvement. He was eating and smiling more and they even caught him laughing. Everyone though that everything was well again, or at least a little better since Pippin's passing. Merry was walking through the Elfish trees when he came upon a storage closet…curious as he was he opened it and discovered hundreds of small phials all containing the poison that had killed Pippin. Tears welled up in his eyes then unconsciously he took one and ran to his room. How fitting he thought as he raced back. To be killed by Pippin's killer He was breathing deeply and was pondering his fate. He quickly ripped off the glass topper and drained the phial. Shaking he put it down on his bedside table. He lay quietly waiting for inevitable. The sickness seized him. He gasped for breath as the nauseous spell passed over him. He panted and groaned in pain. Then the pain began to lessen…the corners of the room were going dark. Here it comes then Merry did the most unexpected thing, he smiled and he laughed. He knew he would be with Pippin soon, and that is how the Fellowship found him…laying peacefully on his bed with a small smile on his face.  
  
Oooh! Thank you so much for reviewing!! Tell me how it is….I dunno but I may add another chapter. THANK YOU AGAIN!! 


	5. Awakenings

Merry sat up breathing heavily. He wiped the thin sheet of sweat off his face. He looked around and discovered he was in Lothlorien and that it was night. "It was dream…all a dream…" he muttered to himself. He got up to wash off his sweaty face in the bathroom. When he looked in the mirror he discovered that there was also tears on his face. He washed up with some cool water and sat back down on his bed. He was still breathing as though he had been running. "Calm down Merry, it's ok" he muttered to himself. E was shaking like mad. "What a strange dream…Pippin dead?" He looked around his room and let out a small yelp when he saw a wooden jar on the drawers. He got up and inspected it; it was nothing, just a jar filled with dry herbs and flowers. He lied on his bed and took steadying breaths. After a while, he quietly got up and crept down the hall.  
  
He had to know…he just needed to see him breathing… Merry quietly opened Pippin's door and peered in. He found the hobbit curled up in a small ball sleeping quite peacefully. Merry couldn't control his happiness "Pippin!" he yelled and jumped on his bed. The hobbit let out a scream as Merry landed. "What are you doing?! You gave me a heart attack!" Merry wasn't listening he had wrapped his arms around the hobbit and smothered him with kisses. "You're alive! You didn't kill yourself! I'm so happy I could sing!" he exclaimed. "W-what? Get off me!" Pippin finally managed to shove him off with great difficulty; Merry was a lot older then him. "Merry! What're talking about!?"  
  
Merry took a deep breath "I had a bad dream." Pippin began to laugh. "You silly thing! Are you still afraid of the dark?" Merry glared at him "It's not funny, it was scary and sad, I dreamed that you killed yourself, then I was so sad that I killed myself." He looked down at the bedspread. "Oh Merry, Now look me in the eyes…" Merry did what he was told, "I would never ever kill myself, you know that…" Merry nodded. Pippin laughed again "Look at me! Talking like I'm the older, wiser hobbit! How the table has turned!" Merry giggled and remembered all the times that he had to comfort Pippin. "Um…Pippin?" Merry whispered. "Yes, Merry?" He looked at the bedspread again "C-could I sleep with y-you tonight?" he stuttered. "Of course, you've always let me when I was scared." Merry smiled and snuggled under the covers. Just to be sure he put his arm around Pippin. "Goodnight Merry" Pippin yawned. "Goodnight Pippin." 


End file.
